Skinny people piss me off!

Especially when they say things like, "You know
sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my
address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.
But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat."

They say you shouldn't say anything about the
dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her
birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she
doesn't give a damn.

The trouble with some women is that they get all
excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms
of stress are eating too much, smoking too much,
impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is
that nobody older than 30 can fit into their
stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop
wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
the day by tying a noose around your neck?"