Mr Right Application
Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been
eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make
the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on
file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in
your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to
offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply..

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't
imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting
my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just
not something I can picture myself yelling out in
a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date
has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR
pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked
you 20 questions about yourself before you asked
me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO
much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced
would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at
recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic
neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned
reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is
unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too
often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your
wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little
disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend
lead me to suspect that you are some sort of
psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a
trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your
weight. If you should however, happen to gain the
necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your
overnight bag were really necessary for a
successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower
next time.

Sincerely,

________