In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates
announced yesterday that he has purchased the
entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be
replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by
actual 1998. "Windows 98 was not going to ship on
schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change
the name again... people were starting to get
confused.

So instead of spending a lot of time and money on
a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy
1998. That way we get an extra year to debug
Windows and get it shipped for what will be the
new 1998." Microsoft arranged this coup by
leveraging its financial assets to bail out the
Federal Government and pay off the national debt.
The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but
taxes will be collected as usual with one change:
all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now
owns the judicial branch for the duration of
"Year-M."

Speculators stated that Gates would likely use
this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits
pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels
this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers
to represent his rickety cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against
Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be
the sole property of God. In a counter suit, Gates
claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be
broken up into "deity conglomerates."

"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why
can't we break up God?"

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was
looking for an early resolution to the suit by
hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the
exact profile that Gates is looking for in a
programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates,
doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can
work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
"If we could just get some employees like that,"
Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows
98 on time.