Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid
people -- many of whom use their stupidity for
personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear
of those who strive to achieve new levels of
stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these
brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men" --
we present the highest possible honor: entry into
the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

Following are their accounts ..

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the
front off a cash machine by running a chain from
the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their
truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
With the chain still attached to the machine. With
their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to
the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police
station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter,
informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard
cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery
store and demanded all the money in the register.
When the cashier handed him the loot, he
fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a
golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf
bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the
customs official realized that the tourist did not
know what a "handicap" was. The customs official
asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which
he does--backward! A substantial amount of
narcotics were found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick
for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in
the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So
she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else*
can you find a camel when you need one?) and
transported it back to her house--where she
realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages
gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they
received a call from a 47-year-old woman who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a
deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a
prison sentence. For payment, he provided the
court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store,
pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a
Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized
that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into
a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for
this?--the bank's video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape
recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he
didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the
camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into
a bank's basement through a street-level window,
cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He
then realized that (1) he could not get to the
money from where he was, (2) he could not climb
back out the window through which he had entered,
and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he
located a phone and dialed "911" for help..

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new
home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up
walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator
from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the
pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud,
so these brain surgeons decided that the
refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator
BACK into the house and returned to the pickup
truck only to realize that they locked the keys in
the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K
(a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20
bill on the counter and asked for change. When the
clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on
the counter. The total amount of cash he got from
the drawer? Fifteen dollars.