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Steven Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American actor, writer, and stand-up
comedian from Burlington, Massachusetts. He is
known for his slow, deadpan, monotone delivery of
irony|ironic, witty, and sometimes confusing jokes
and one-liner joke|one-liners.

Wright released a comedy album in 1985 entitled I
Have a Pony.  In 1992, Wright had a recurring role
on the television Situation comedy|sitcom Mad
About You.

He later won an Academy Award for his short film,
The Appointments of Dennis Jennings. He has also
appeared as the voice of the radio DJ in the film
Reservoir Dogs.

There are numerous lists of jokes attributed to
Wright circulating on the Internet, sometimes of
dubious provenance. Wright has stated that
"someone showed me a site, and half of it that
said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw
one, and I didn't write any of it. What's
disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I
wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of
them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought
of them, because some are really bad."
http://www.theonionavclub.com/feature/index.php?is
sue=3903&f=1

In a 2005 poll to find The Comedian's Comedian, he
was voted amongst the top 50 comedy acts ever by
fellow comedians and comedy insiders. He was
recently named in the Top 25 of the Comedy Central
100 Greatest Standups of All Time.

==Steven Wright One-Liners==
* "You can't have everything; Where would you put
it?"
* "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
* "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You
couldn't park anywhere near the place."
* "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to
paint it."
* "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the
time."
* "I bought some batteries, but they weren't
included."
* "I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the
street when suddenly the prescription ran out." 
* "When the guy who made the first drawing board
got it wrong, what did he go back to?" 
* "What's another word for thesaurus?"
* "I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. 
When it's finished I'm going to sue myself."
* "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was
a suspect."
* "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the
day because that means it's going to be up all
night."
* "I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot
cards. I got a full house and four people died."
* "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in
parentheses."
* "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's
gone."
* "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory." 
* "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts
working the moment you get up in the morning and
doesn't stop until you get to work."
* "Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but,
you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's
making a penny."
* "I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I
don't know how I got there."
* "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every
time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey,
maybe I wrote that.'" 
* "I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to
break out of my car with a coat hanger."
* "There's a fine line between fishing and
standing on the shore like an idiot." 
* "We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was
an only child. Eventually." 
* "Why's the alphabet in that order? Is it 'cause
of that song?"
* "I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went
up my nose."
* "I was out walking my dog yesterday. On the
ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. I'm
afraid of widths".
* "My friend works in radio. When we go under a
bridge, I can't hear him."
* "I came home to my apartment and found that
everything had been replaced with an exact
replica. I called my friend over and said 'Can you
believe this?  Everything's been replaced with an
exact replica!' He said, 'Do I know you?'"
* "I was being interviewed for a job. During the
interview, I started to read a magazine. The
interviewer asked, 'What are you doing???' I said,
'Let me ask you a question. If I was driving at
the speed of light, and turned the headlights on,
would anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I
said to him, 'I don't think I want to work for
your company.'"
* "I went to a convenience store the other night.
It had a sign reading, 'Open 24 Hours'. The
manager was locking the place up. I said, 'Hey,
the sign says you're open 24 hours!' He said,
'Yeah, but not in a row."
* "I finally got around to reading the dictionary.
Turns out the zebra did it."

===Selected filmography===
* Desperately Seeking Susan, (1985) Larry Stillman
D.D.S.
* Reservoir Dogs, (1992) (voice only) as "K-Billy
DJ"
* So I Married an Axe Murderer, (1993) as "Pilot" 
* Natural Born Killers, (1994) as "Dr. Emil
Reingold"
* Canadian Bacon, (1995) as Canadian Mounted
Police Officer
* Half Baked (1998) as "The Guy on the Couch"
(uncredited)
* Coffee and Cigarettes (2003) as "Steven"